At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
