We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
