dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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