so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
