i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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