my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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