She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
