You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
