You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Randomize
