Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
