Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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