I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
