I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
