things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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