we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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