Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
