My cat gives me a boner
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
