I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
