I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize