I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
