I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
