he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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