Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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