True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
