Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
