youre lurking in front of me
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
