I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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