I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
It's official drugs can't kill me
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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