I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
