wrigley field is MILF paradise
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
