just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize