Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Randomize
