she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
