Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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