Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
