I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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