If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
