a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
