Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
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