Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
