hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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