i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
