I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
