I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
