A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
