I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
