Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You're like the curious george of whores
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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