I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize