Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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