I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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