Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
