mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
