I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
