nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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