spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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