Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
