Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
